Listen to me, it’s very special that we live in a world where I get Godzilla Minus One and Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire within four months of each other. They say to find you a man that can do both and good ol’ Goji? He can do both.
Decidedly more stupid than the Oscar-winning Japanese entry and much more fun, Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire (a title as blatantly moronic as Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice) drops all pretenses of being a loving homage and just has fun with it. This is a movie where a giant evil orangutan rides an ice-spewing turtle, where a gorilla picks up a baby gorilla to wail on other gorillas with it, and where our favorite kaiju and our favorite giant ape burst out of the ground to charge at the enemy together. This is a movie that is all about spectacle and does not care one bit whether you care about the humans or not. And they give you plenty of human interactions to care about, fully aware that your mileage is going to vary based on just how hot you find everyone.
Luckily everyone is really hot and really unimportant. Rebecca Hall returns as Dr. Ilene Andrews, the only human other than Bryan Tyree Henry to return from the previous adult casts. They’re joined by her mute adoptive daughter Jia (Kaylee Hottle), the only human who can speak with Kong because apparently no one else on Earth knows ASL. They’re joined by Dan Stevens as Trapper, a shaggy surf-bro that is for some reason part of M.O.N.A.R.C.H. and assists in helping Kong fight the latest threat. Everyone is having a blast despite being a series of mismatched individuals. Trapper and Ilene are apparently college sweethearts but the chemistry doesn’t register. Luckily, Stevens has enough chemistry with the audience that it doesn’t matter (he winks and smiles at the audience and I’m pretty sure there’s a built-in pause during the movie because my entire audience fainted for a couple of minutes). Henry is having a great time but he’s playing “loud and scared but kinda knowledgable in a conspiracy theorist way,” a bad look for a movie coming out in a time where reality on the internet can be whatever a moron wants it to be.
It’s a blessing from whatever god you pray to that we have our titular characters. Kong now lives in the hollow Earth, roaming around and wishing he had friends. Godzilla is napping in the Roman Colosseum like a big ol’ kitten during all of this, tired after saving the surface world by combatting titans that get out of line. When Kong finds other giant apes Godzilla starts snarfing down all nuclear energy he can get, bracing for the fight of his life as something begins to emerge from below.
It’s stupid. Every ounce of this movie is stupid, but I can’t argue with it. Kong gets an infinity gauntlet that is the equivalent of brass knuckles, for some reason an ice turtle is controlled by an unexplained whip tip, and Godzilla consumes so much nuclear energy that he becomes a positive icon for the trans community. All of that sound real dumb? Good, because it is and it should. That does not mean you should skip this big ol’ heaping helping of schlock in the theatre. The fact that Legendary ponied up *checks notes* $150m to make this thing is all onscreen. The scale all looks ridiculously fun, each kaiju is lovingly rendered in beautiful high-def CGI, and there’s not a moment where you won’t be either cackling or thirsting after some performer. It’s a holy blast of ridiculousness that I want more of.
I loved Godzilla: King of the Monsters for what it brought back and lovingly honored (Kyle Chandler’s sweat budget alone must have been astronomical) and I had a great time with Godzilla vs. Kong for the surprise of Mechagodzilla at the end. They cannot go dumber than this but I can’t wait to see them try. I live in a world where Godzilla can be a brilliant drama that discusses the nature of humanity in the context of the threat of nuclear annihilation or a box of chicken nuggets with a side of fries and a soda you dumped vodka into. We can have both and instead of comparing them I prefer to just have fun and enjoy the ride.
Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is currently in theatres, bafflingly in 3D at certain venues.
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