The first one was so bad I didn’t think I’d bother with this one. Time makes fools of us all and I sat my ass down and watched Zack Snyder’s Rebel Moon-Part 2: The Scargiver. I don’t really see what an R rating and more blood/violence/sex(?) is gonna do to improve either of these films but hey, you’ve got those on the way. The continued attempts to recreate the #releasethesnydercut nonsense are rather amusing but the films themselves are a mixture of absolute nonsense and some genuinely fun-but-failed ideas.
Everyone on Earth has seen Rebel Moon-Part 1: A Child of Fire at least thirty times within the first twenty-four hours of its release, at least according to Netflix numbers releases. We all know that Kora (Sofia Boutella) took down the villainous Admiral Atticus Noble (Ed Skrein), saving the moon of Veldt and their *checks notes* grain. She was aided by the noble Titus (Djimon Honsou), Nemesis (Doona Bae), Darrian Bloodaxe (Ray Fisher), Tarak (Staz Nair), love interest Gunnar (Michiel Huisman, whose character name is pronounced “goonar” for some reason) and that pesky two-timing traitor Kai (Charlie Hunnam, who is not in this sequel). Returning to Veldt triumphant, the crew is informed by a mid-defect soldier (Sky Yang) that they have five days before Noble and his dreadnaught arrive.
Now, this is rather surprising to them since Kora killed Noble in the first film. Don’t worry about that, the Imperium resurrected him and he’s stronger than ever. This is a major issue with the entire film; a display of utter meaninglessness to death rendering it hard to care when some of our warriors fall. And some do fall, supposedly a thing we’re meant to feel for, but it just feels so hollow because we already know that death doesn’t matter and we haven’t had enough depth added to any of them to really care.
Snyder does try to add that depth. In a rather clumsy scene around a dinner table, each warrior tells their tale with the appropriate slow-mo flashback sequences. It doesn’t work and raises questions that will never have answers. Nemesis got her robo-arms by hacking them off and the arms then taught her to fight? Tarak was a prince of a world where everyone rides Gryffins and his mom killed herself because…reasons? I could go on, but if you’re going to watch this you’ll hear it for yourself if you haven’t spaced out by this time.
Let’s talk about the woman with robo-arms and the larger problem she represents. She has robo-arms and two giant faux-lightsabers, which should be cool, but the fight choreography is incredibly poor. It feels like the playground fight scene in 2003’s Daredevil at times, often far worse. None of it feels like what we know Snyder is capable of. We’ve seen Watchmen. We’ve seen 300. We know he’s better than this but he isn’t rising to that capability, bringing this already boring movie down another notch.
Boring is the correct word. Some of the most intense scenes in the film involve Djimon Honsou leading villagers while harvesting grain like nobody’s business, swinging scythes in slow motion while a dramatic track with wailing vocals plays to really drive the importance home. The entire plot revolves around grain and how badly the Imperium needs it. The plan? Harvest as fast as possible and then hide it up in the village so the dreadnaught won’t bomb it. The logic sort of works, but only if you squint really hard.
This one is rough. Snyder has become a genuinely fascinating pop culture personality but with this latest duology (and we’ve got four more of these coming!?) I think we’ve lost him. It’s no wonder that Lucasfilm decided not to make these as Star Wars movies and, after releasing films like Red Notice and The Gray Man, no wonder that Netflix snatched them up. Is it fun that both men to play Daario Naharis are in this? Sure. Are some of the ridiculous slow-mo shots of Djimon Honsou (and only Djimon Honsou) absolutely amazing? Sure. Is there any reason to watch this movie?
Well, on that I can’t truly provide an answer. It’s a film that looks and feels like nonsense, has been drug out over two films when if you cut the slow-mo and streamline the plot I think it might be a forty-five-minute short film, and feels castrated because they have to assure fans a good cut is coming. That all sucks, but it’s also a film where Anthony Hopkins lazily voices a warrior robot that looks rad as hell from his home in England. It’s a film where Cary Elwes is brutally assassinated while a string quartet scores the scene off to the side, clad in beautiful wardrobes and bafflingly also blinded by evil Crown Royal bags over their heads. It’s awful and stupid and boring and just incredibly watchable. I wouldn’t recommend it, but I can tell you there’s a chance you’ll have a good time.
Rebel Moon-Part 2: The Scargiver is currently on Netflix (I will always type that stupid title out to its conclusion).
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